How can you tell when the person you’re dating is completely and utterly wrong for you? For starters, if you have absolutely nothing in common with them, the relationship may not last long. Then again, opposites can attract.
On a serious note before I ramble on, I recently got into a relationship. But finding the person that I would dedicate my time, energy, and effort to was the trickiest of tasks. I looked left and all I saw were red flags. I looked right and all I saw were flags. I looked to online dating and all I saw were red flags.
Until I met a great dude that was willing to show me what communication, consistency, and character were all about. I mean this guy pays attention to the little things and is always there for me to talk to and spend time with, even if he says quirky things sometimes. But alas, it took me some time and patience to get there.
On my way to him, I decided to jot down notes in my journal. I chose to outline what I wasn’t looking for in a guy so that I could easily distinguish what I was looking for in a guy. My results? I came up with 7 red flags - and I chose to live by those red flags.
Today, I want to share them with you.
Red flag #1: RUN if they put themselves on a pedestal.
What I need in a relationship should be just as important as what my significant other needs in a relationship. If I need to feel wanted and they prefer physical boundaries, some sort of arrangement needs to be made so that we can meet in the middle. It’s not their way or the highway.
Just like, what I want in a relationship should be just as important as what my significant other wants in a relationship. If I want to go to a winery this weekend and they don’t want to do that, it’s ok. As long as we agree to go to a winery in the near future. But if what they want always trumps what I want, and we never end up doing the things that I’m interested in, that’s a no-go.
You see, when the person you’re dating puts themselves on a pedestal, it’s likely because they’re selfish and want to get their way. It’s a fatal flaw. It has nothing to do with you in particular, it’s just a trait that they have to work on before their next relationship - so stay clear.
Red flag #2: TURN AROUND if they talk too much about their ex.
Usually, I can spot if someone is still obsessed with their ex on the first date. Years of experience can decipher.
Let me put it to you this way, usually if a person is not over their ex, they’ll find some way to wiggle him/her into conversation. Even the simplest of sentences could come up, like, “My ex used to love that beer.” Oh, really? I thought we were getting to know one another here, not one another’s ex’s.
Trust me when I say, the ex conversation won’t be dropped here. I once dated a man that brought his ex-girlfriend up EIGHT times on the first date. Did I go on another date? Sure did, silly me. Second date conversation wasn’t much better. Oh, and when I say brought up EIGHT times, I don’t mean sentences. This guy told stories about her.
Tell-tale sign that the person you’re dating is not over their last relationship. And if they carry those issues into your relationship, there’s a possibility they’ll never fully heal. You could become a rebound. Or worse, you could adopt the issues from their relationship. Get away while you can.
Red flag #3: GET OUT if they’re too controlling or too private.
When dating, some people feel the need to control the situation. Control who you can and cannot see, where you can and cannot go, what you can and cannot do. They like to make sure that they know every move you’re about to make before you make it. Red flag; I found out the hard way that I don’t need someone to play me like a pawn - and here’s your warning that you don’t need to let someone play you, either.
On the other hand, some people feel the need to be too private. Privacy is good, to an extent. But it’s absolute trash when the person you’re seeing is SO private that they won’t bring you around their friends or family. Won’t bring you out on dates in the real world (only in the comfort of their home). Won’t claim the two of you are together for social media updates. Basically, won’t do anything to show the world that you’re theirs. When privacy turns into secretive behavior, it becomes a red flag.
I’ve found that 33% of the people I’ve dated have the controlling trait, another 33% have the private trait, and the last 33% have neither. Look for the latter, not the former.
Red flag #4: ONTO THE NEXT ONE if they have absolutely no friends and only spend their time with you.
Loner status is not an attractive quality to have. Why? Because they’ll become absolutely dependent on you for their happiness.They’ll become needy when you’re not paying attention to them. And, they’ll get angry and jealous if enough time is not devoted to them. That’s just how the wheel spins.
I, myself, am a popular gal. I have a lot of friends and a large family to keep me occupied. Luckily, I found someone with the same social status.
I’m not telling you that you have to find someone with the exact same friend and family base, but it’s nice to know that the person you’re dating has people there for them. No friends? Not a good idea. Just too clingy at the end of the day.
Red flag #5: LEAVE IMMEDIATELY if they have mommy or daddy issues.
The two things I personally classify as a mommy or a daddy issue are if he/she needs to be parented or he/she can’t let go of their parents.
I’m not here to tell you what you can and can’t do. As an adult, you should know what’s morally right. As an adult, you should also know how to behave on a day-to-day basis.
I’m also not here to cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry, and everything else a parent does. I personally believe that in a relationship the roles should be reciprocated. If I’m cooking all the time, it would be nice if my significant other did the dishes. I won’t act as leading lady of the house while my guy sits down and watches television or plays video games. Been there, done that. I’m no one’s mommy - yet.
I sure as heck don’t want to see you clinging to your parents, either. It’s fine to have a great relationship with mom and dad, but if you have to go to their house every night to have dinner with them, that’s a bit too much.
Red flag #6: DON’T THINK TWICE ABOUT BREAKING UP if they have anger issues.
I mean raging anger issues. Ticking time bomb anger issues. Why? Because you’re not going to like what it leads to - extreme jealousy, verbal abuse, and physical abuse.
Jealousy is a pain in the rear end to deal with. You’ll have to worry about who you talk to and who you surround yourself with all the time. Fights will be frequent.
Verbal abuse sucks. Being talked down to will ruin your self esteem and confidence. It’s very difficult to build that back up.
Physical abuse is the worst. Getting out of that kind of relationship is not only difficult, but dangerous.
If you see the anger signs early on, I suggest leaving as soon as possible. That red flag will always take priority for me.
Red flag #7: SAY SAYONARA if they aren’t emotionally available.
Emotional availability is a key ingredient to creating a successful relationship - if they don’t have it, they’re not ready to be with anyone.
Telltale signs here would be if they refuse to open up, talk about themselves, or ask about you. Don’t mistake this for shyness. My boyfriend was SO shy in the beginning. Small giggles. Baseline conversation. But he always answered my questions when I was trying to get to know him.
After our second date, he wouldn’t shut up and he was asking me anything that came to his mind.
Letting someone in is hard to do, especially knowing you’ll have to be vulnerable to a brand new person you probably never knew before. I get it, you get it, they get it. So, if they’re not ready to do that, they’re not emotionally available and it’s time to find someone that is.