That night I will never full understand myself except that I knew but I knew once I walked out the doors outside what was about to take place. I knew that I was going to lose myself mentally and that the outside would numb myself to the point I would become delirious and I was right. I was outside walking from my place I live all the way to the west side of my city, and mind you, I had no phone, no keys and no way to contact anyone and the stores I went to and the people I talked to refused to even talk to me to help me. I had nothing left and just at one point, I didnt care anymore. I was so numb in my mind and body that I just knew, I had like probably a half hour or less and I could feel it, I was starting to pass out in and out sitting under a building that I knew from my childhood, I was like oh this is nice, we had a family reunion here once. Nice place to pass away, and then I opened a drink of fruit punch snapple, and I was like ahh thats some good drink, then once it hit me, I had a sense of something immediately wrong, I walked out of the awning and tried to get outside more for some reason, I dont know honestly, what or where I was thinking of going but I ended up collapsing on the way out of that place, a zoo of all places and I hit my head like hard and I dont mean like oh no I slipped and Ill be okay, no I went into a full blown seizure because I used to have them when I was a teenager but I didnt get full treatment because they made cuts to medicaid so I stopped going to my neurologist a few years ago. Point being, I was still somehow lucid and could maintain and hear what was all around me, so when the ambulance and all of them began to talk to me, it just made me convulse more because I got upset that they kept saying can you hear me? like damn yes, I can but I cant respond. I was sent to the hospital where I was born which was really upsettin to me, and then I was sent into a pych hospital for 2 weeks in Battle Creek, it was awful. I had people try to hook up with me in there, like multiple people, then other patients tried to get me to fake take my meds and then take them out of my mouth and give them to them, I was like this place is awful, I didnt get much help there but I just did the absolute best I could because I knew that I was there at least 2 weeks because I had been court mandated before when I was inpatient a little over 2 years ago for something else, so I know the process very well. They tried to say that I was not cooperative which was a lie, I was not eating because I am vegan right now and their food was all meat and would make me get sick every time, so they took 3 days to not have me eat to get me meds and then a ton of bloodwork orders, they did like multiple IVs on my arms and the back of my hands at the same time, and then when they did one correctly and got my blood work done, their like "winner winner chicken dinner" which was offensive because who would not eat for 3 days over something like that? It was so dumb, but I just kept to myself. I also began to talk in the groups and it began to be problematic since my problems are so severe, I once talked for a minute or so and the whole group left, and then I was told to go to my room for upsetting them, Im like but this is my life and you dont like it then maybe I should of just not lived, I was so angry, I was like well fine I just wont talk to anyone anymore. Then I saw someone that night, she helped me so much there during my stay and she was my neighbor there, she was so sweet and caring, and we used to code each other through the door or wall of our rooms to make sure we were okay before and after we went to bed, she was amazing but sadly, she never contacted me after she was released, which is understandable but still was sad to me, but I met a few other people who taught me a lot about making the best out of the worst in those circumstances. I made a few temporary friends for my stay but I knew inside that it would never be on the outside, it never works like that, and for me, I always get used and then thrown away. I was used to it but I just had to keep true to me and myself because I had to know that I was being myself and that I was working on all my meds and treatments so that when the lawyer talked to me they would understand what I was saying about why and what I was doing, they invited me to NAMI organization, which was ironic because my brother is already an advocate for certain things, but it made me realize that my life experiences would be so inpirational and motivating for others, so I decided that as soon as I get some of my ducks in a row I am going to work toward all my goals in life now, like with my University degree programs, my advocacy, and more. I have so much now to live for and I wont let anything hold me back again. During these thoughts I began to have a hazy flash in my mind of the stars in that sky, how could I of been so blind to my own hometowns night sky? I know we all make mistakes but for me, it wasnt my fault someone beat me up that night or stole a bunch of my stuff when i went downtown, but I just knew, I have to keep going because I have to, I have to live for all those I love and care for and I have to stay sober and be responsible and improve my life for the sake of them and my nieces would of been heartbroken if I had passed away a month ago, one is 2 and the other 6. Those girls are everything to me, and I want to always be the uncle they can look to in times of need or even just call and say hey and Ill be there in an instant. I want to live for others as well as myself now and I am so grateful that I realized that recently instead of just fully giving up and OD or jumping off that bridge that night. From the darkness, I emerged into the light and was saved, I now also believe in spiritualism and inner peace, but am undecided on religious beliefs but am open to others talking about it which is new for me, but I am also just taking it day by day and sometimes I just look back and think about how different things could be right now, where if I did pass, all I know would of been gone and this would be post funeral, that is a hard thing to think about, so yesterday I got my divorce papers and just need to file them at the courthouse, I am moving forward but its going to be hard and a long path that this will be, but I am just glad that its not over because there is so much I would of missed out on. My one piece of advice is, that its okay to talk about your problems, there is the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK and you can also text a message to 741741 in USA and Canada for to text a crisis counselor. I also recommend NAMI.org for info on mental health, please know that you are worth it, as we all are, and I will be online from time to time but I am so busy with my University and my treatments that Im sorry if it seems I am not around.but I assure you, I am. Stay strong my friends and I will do my best to as well, best wishes.