Let’s face some facts here. In an increasingly narcissistic society, the selfie is the cherry on top of the sundae of our collective vanity. I mean, I’m not exactly breaking new ground in pointing out that taking a picture of yourself and sending it out to the world is the height of insecurity. I guess it would be one thing if you were just throwing it out there in a “who gives a fuck” kind of way, but that’s not what you’re doing. You want views, likes, comments, all that shit. “Tell me I matter!” “Validate my existence!” It’s pathetic.
All that being said, women can take as many selfies as they want. Men like looking at sexy pictures of attractive women — always have, always will. And yeah, we get some crap about objectifying the models, but with selfies, the model is in full control of the image. So the complaint about a male-run publication like Playboy or Maxim calling the shots and perpetuating the sexualization of women just doesn’t hold water. The models are doing it to themselves. I mean, seriously, if you don’t want that kind of attention, stop posting pictures of yourself in bikinis, flashing those “fuck me” eyes. It’s not rocket science, here.
Anyway, my point is that selfies are a bit feminine. But some of you guys are addicted; so if you absolutely must do it, here is a list of guidelines you should follow.
1. No naked selfies.
I’d like to reinforce the fact that these are rules for men. Women can do whatever they want. But dude… c’mon.
2. No gym selfies.
People can tell if you spend a lot of time in the gym. There’s no need to blab about it.
3. No more than one a week.
Really, that’s too many. If you have to Instagram or Snapchat or Whatever The Fuck, vary it up with some other stuff besides your stupid-looking face.
4. No car selfies.
You’re sitting in traffic and you’re bored. So you decide to share that with the world? What the fuck, dude?
5.No airplane selfies.
Why do you assholes think, anyone gives a shit about you sitting in a fucking chair?
6. No drunk selfies.
If you ignore all the other rules on this list, please adhere to this one. I know you’re having fun, but like most decisions you make when you’re drunk, this is a bad one.
7. You’re only allowed to take a selfie with a tiger if it’s attacking you.
How the hell did this become such a big trend? Those pics with heavily sedated jungle cats do not make you look like Hemmingway. They make you look like an asshole.
8. No shirtless selfies.
Look, if you’re at the beach with your girl, then feel free. But a shot of you brooding in the bathroom mirror just looks desperate.
9. No selfie poles.
Or whatever they’re called. You know what I’m talking about, and if you own one, I hope somebody beats you to death with it.
10. One selfie per location.
You’re not a model, dude. Don’t sit there taking multiple pics of smile, pouty face, smoky eyes, etc. One and done.
11. No selfies alone.
What exactly are you documenting? No one cares.
12. Vacation selfies are fine.
Now, you in front of the Egyptian pyramids or the Eiffel Tower… that’s the kind of thing people might actually find interesting. Go nuts.
13. No boner pics.
Getting yourself all chubbed up under your boxer briefs and posting that for the world to see is pretty pathetic.
14. Parody selfies are also acceptable.
If you’re a fat dude and you’re striking a Nicki Minaj or Kim Kardashian pose, that’s something I can get on board with.
15. No selfies in bed.
Yeah, dude. The women are lining up to join you.
16. No flashing cash.
A pic of you fanning yourself with a bunch of hundreds doesn’t project the type of image you think it does.
17. No injury selfies.
How did you get that big gash on your forehead? Taking selfies while driving?
18. No duck-face selfies.
Even when you’re being ironic. The duck face needs to die. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
19. No mirror selfies.
How selfie-crazy are you? You have a front camera, douche.
20. No “me-with-my-pet” selfies.
Take a picture of your pet by itself and post that. Unless your dog is humping your face or biting your nuts, you don’t need to be in it.
21. No traffic accident selfies.
You want to take your picture in front of a three-car pileup where someone might have died? What the fuck is wrong with you?
22. No selfies while doing something illegal.
I can’t believe I even have to say that.
23. No flip-off selfies.
Yeah, buddy. You’re a rebel. Saying “fuck you” to the world in the form of a selfie.
24. No blurry selfies.
What is the point of this? I know you’re not trying to be artistic. Take another picture. Or better yet… don’t.
25. If you break any of these rules, don’t apologize in the caption.
That’s right. You know you’re an idiot. Own it.