What is “normal,” anyway? Are any of us normal? Aren’t we all a little crazy in one way or another? Well, maybe, but you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Here’s something to think about: Doesn’t it seem like — at least in the realm of male/female relationships — there seems to be a disproportionate amount of women who fit the “crazy” bill better than men? And believe it or not, I’m not trying to be sexist here, I’m genuinely curious about this; it’s not that men don’t have character defects or psychological issues that make them behave inappropriately, it’s just that those guys are always “dicks” or maybe “weirdos” (and there are plenty of them out there), but women are always “crazy.” Is it a body chemistry thing? Societal gender roles? Is there something about dating men that causes this transformation? I don’t know. Somebody should get to studying that, I guess.
In the meantime, here are 50 signs that the girl you’re dating might be what we like to call “crazy.” And you can trust me on this one — I’ve done extensive research in the field.
1. She’s unbelievable in bed.
It’s an undisputed fact that crazy women are incredible in the sack. That’s how they get you.
2. She’s got the crazy eyes.
We all get crazy eyes from time to time—from stress, lack of sleep, etc. But if they’re part of the unique snowflake that makes her her, that’s a really bad sign.
3. She runs hot and cold.
She loves you; she hates you; you’re the only one for her; maybe it’s not working out. Her mood changes more than a remote control held by an 11-year-old with ADD.
4. Your texts and emails have been mysteriously deleted.
Confronting you about your communications isn’t necessarily crazy, but tampering with them is.
5. She makes drastic changes in her appearance.
Some girls like to mix it up every now and then, and that’s cool, but too drastic too often indicates identity issues. And shaving her head is a dead giveaway.
6. Everything anyone says about her is a lie.
Odds are, she’s been called crazy before, and this is her attempt at heading that off at the pass. She wants you to trust her and only her, and that can be pretty creepy.
7. All other women are bitches.
Crazy girls don’t tend to get along with the sane variety.
8. All other women more attractive than her are whores.
God help you if you look at one in her presence.
9. She’s admitted to stalking someone before.
Three separate girls I’ve dated have told me this. I still can’t figure out what possible positive outcome revealing this information would accomplish.
10. Everyone wants to ruin her because they’re jealous.
Extreme narcissism cuts both ways—she thinks everyone adores her, and those who don’t are green with envy.
11. She clings tightly to “truths” she’s decided on, even if there’s no evidence to support them.
Crazy people tend to spend a lot of time inside their own head, where there’s no one else to inject things like… you know… logic or reason. Once she’s fixated on something, she never changes her mind.
12. Her place is either too messy or too clean.
If it’s too clean, just bail out now. You probably won’t get the great sex you’re after out of this one.
13. All her ex-boyfriends are still madly in love with her.
Because in her mind, there’s no reason why anyone wouldn’t want to be with her. When you’re her ex, you’ll be in that club, too.
14. She likes to “surprise” you.
Everybody likes fun little surprises every once in a while, but if she keeps showing up where she’s not invited, like work or guys’ night, there’s a good chance she’s watching your every move.
15. She goes way too far when you’re having an argument.
Attacking your family and friends, calling out your insecurities, threatening to kill herself or cut your dick off while you’re sleeping — these are subtle signs that she’s not so great at handling conflict.
16. Self-help bonanza.
Most people can get through life’s troubles with their gut, their friends and their family. But she’s got every self-improvement book ever written, a shelf full of New Age crystals, dream catchers and assorted bullshit like that. This is someone who’s tried everything… and none of it has worked.
17. She calls and texts too much.
There’s no number that’s a good limit, especially if you keep responding, but if you feel like she’s “checking in” too much, you might want to change your number.
18. Those playful punches … hurt.
You pretend they don’t because, you know, you don’t want to come off like a pussy. But this is a bad sign of what’s to come if/when you really piss her off.
19. She criticizes your mother.
And not gently, mind you. Most women know that they need to be sensitive when talking about your mom, but sometimes a girl will act like the woman who gave birth to you is her mortal enemy and try to poison you against her. Run.
20. She hijacks your social media.
You’re off the market and she wants every single person you’ve ever met to know it. For every post you make, she leaves five comments. She tags herself in photos she’s not even in. She’s a bunny boiler, for sure.
21. Her favorite book is “The Bell Jar.”
Sylvia Plath literally wrote the book on crazy chicks.
22. You run into a guy she used to date, and he’s not jealous of you — he feels sorry for you.
He probably won’t come right out and say it, but you can tell. When these interactions are over a “normal” girl, there’s usually a lot of ego involved. When we’re dealing with crazy, you’re gonna get more of a “better you than me” vibe.
23. Big-time jealousy.
We all get jealous, and sometimes it’s flattering. But if she makes a big stink every time another woman crosses your path, don’t even bother defending yourself. Just get the hell out of there.
24. When trapped, she bursts into tears.
Making a girl cry feels terrible to most of us, and she knows that. She’s manipulating you, dude.
25. She’s deeply religious.
Nothing’s wrong with spirituality, but too much dedication to ANY religion is downright scary. Her convictions will give her the moral authority to do, well… anything.
26. Stability bores her.
If you’ve gotten to the stage where you’d rather stay in than hit the town every night, that’s usually a good sign that the relationship is on firm ground. But if she considers even one night in front of the TV to be death, this is a girl who will never be content.
27. She has no or very little contact with her family or anyone from her past.
There’s got to be a reason for this. You can side with her and believe the whole world’s against her, or you can choose to be realistic.
28. She’s extremely competitive.
I once beat an ex-girlfriend in cards and she started crying and locked herself in her room for an hour. Most guys would take that as a bad sign. I stuck around for two more years.
29. She’s way too much fun.
I’ll say this for crazy girls: They know how to have a good time.
30. Her personality changes wildly when she drinks.
Acting like an ass under the influence is something most everyone’s been guilty of. But if her filters are down and you barely recognize her, there are probably other sides to her you haven’t seen as well.
31. She twists your words.
Whether you’re explaining, apologizing or asking for something, she repeats it back to you while adding her own ridiculous details and exaggerations.
32. She tries to control your friendships.
This is bad, bad, bad. Unless one of your buddies has actually made a pass at her, she has no business telling you she doesn’t want you to hang out with him.
33. She’s mean to waiters.
Deeply insecure people tend to take out their frustrations on those whose job it is to serve them. Stay with her if you want, but you’ll need to do a lot of overtipping if you ever want to go to the same place twice.
34. She gets a lot of bruises.
Maybe she’s clumsy, but come on, how many doors can one person walk into? If the stories of how she got them don’t ring true, watch out: She might start telling people you gave them to her.
35. Every month she tells you she’s worried she’s pregnant.
Sometimes it’s out of legitimate concern; sometimes it’s just her testing you to see how you feel about your future. Either way, it’s bad news. More than two pregnancy scares a year seems fishy.
36. She makes public scenes.
Crazy people like to dominate others, and if she knows you’re uncomfortable, she also knows you’ll say whatever it takes to get her to calm down. Point: Crazy Girl.
37. She builds you up … then tears you down.
When things are good, you’re the king of the world and can accomplish anything you set your mind to. When things are bad, you’re a useless shit who will never achieve a single one of your goals. This will fuck with your head.
38. She’s always telling you how lucky you are to be with her.
There’s that narcissism again. People who compliment themselves in this way are almost never being truthful. And unless it’s part of some cute little joke, who wants to hear that, anyway?
39. She pokes holes in your condoms.
This one’s tough to catch onto, unless you do it the hard way. If you’re suspicious, run the packages under some water.
40. She’s suddenly best friends with everyone you know.
More manipulation — crazy style. What she’s really doing is making it hard for you to get rid of her. Your friends won’t see her crazy side like you do, and soon, you’ll have no one to go to with your relationship problems.
41. She expects everything, but gives nothing.
As we’ve already mentioned, the world revolves around crazy people, and she’s going to set some impossibly high standards for you to live up to. But try to get some payback with a ride to the airport or something like that and it’ll feel like you asked her for a kidney.
42. She’s dated me before.
Some guys are magnets for crazy. I’m one of them. Take from that what you will.
43. She’s always the victim.
Even when she’s the one who did something blatantly wrong, she turns it around on you and suddenly, you’re on defense. How did that even happen?
44. She goes through your stuff.
If she just likes wearing one of your favorite shirts when you’re not around, that’s actually pretty cool. But if you can tell someone’s been unrolling all your socks and your desk drawers have been rummaged through… that’s not so cool.
45. She’s delusional.
On your first few dates, she had some amazing stories. Too bad you’re finding out none of them are true.
46. She tells you EVERYTHING about her exes.
She wants you to know how you measure up, even if the information she’s giving you isn’t true, and even if you don’t want to know it.
47. She wants to know EVERYTHING about your exes.
She wants to rank herself and figure out what ended those relationships so she can act accordingly.
One or two is fine. Three is grounds for suspicion. Any more than that and (unless she’s running a rescue operation out of her apartment) you’d best get to stepping. “Crazy Cat Lady” is a stereotype for a reason.
49. She talks about how much she hates drama.
If she’s drama-free, then she’s a keeper for sure. But if it seems to follow her around, odds are she’s the cause of it.
50. You start to wonder if you’re the crazy one.
And if you identify with most of this list, but you’re still with her… you probably are.